Tom Dick and Harry And The Toilet Brush

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of Gourmet Spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long Gourmet Spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a Toilet Brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

Making Love

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a `kiss`?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I`d like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a `caress`?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You`ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is `make love`, Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a `headache`?"

Johnnie Johnnie

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie". "Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?" "Johnnie", she said. "Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?" "Johnnie", she said. "Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?" "Johnnie", she said. "Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn`t that terribly complicated?" "Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed." "I see. But what if you want only one of them?" "No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."

Slowest Clock?

Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt. Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.

The New Wifey

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech: "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years". "What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law. "What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law): Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning". "Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law. "As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

Parrot Trouble With New Girls

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Nick! New arrivals.... want? 25% off now..."

Misunderstanding

The homeowner was delighted with the way Peter had done all the paintwork on his house.

"You did a great job," he said as he handed Peter his fees. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie."

Peter declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that."

"I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it."

"Well," said Peter reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Peter, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers.

Thinking that Peter had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?"

"Nope," replied Peter. "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Dispute Over Fish Oil Gets Smoky Hot

It appears that fish oil prevents second heart attacks but primarily in Europe. It has become the usual practice over there to prescribe purified fish oil to patients who have had a heart attack. Their longevity increases through the likely benefit of preventing future heart attacks.

But in the U. S. fish oil, as a rich source of omega-3, hasn't been given nearly as much of an opportunity to benefit our cardiovascular systems, at least, not the prescription-grade of the fishy substance known by the brand name of Omacor, which is, among other tidy benefits, mercury-free.

Now, the dispute has gotten smoky hot.

We read such notices as, "Most cardiologists here are not giving omega-3's, even though the data supports it. There's a real disconnect," said Dr. Terry Jacobson, a cardiologist at Emory University in Atlanta. "They have been very slow to incorporate the therapy."

It appears, in fact, that if a prescription is sent to many a health insurance company in the USA that calls for Omacor, the patient receives a note that it's not covered and generic fish oil is recommended as a relatively inexpensive substitute. Only trouble is, of course, the OTC varieties are not as reliably pure or concentrated.

With more and more studies demonstrating the benefits of fish oil, the question is, when will American medicine finally get hooked?

Why Are The Most Successful Electric Cars On Mars?

Think about the Mars Rovers Opportunity and Spirit, the solar-powered vehicles that were designed to carry on for ninety days of Martian exploration but have now gone ten times that long - and are still going and going. Witness the great shots Opportunity just sent back from the edge of the Victoria crater.

In fact, when you think about them, you realize these golf-cart-size wonders seem to be cleverer than any electric car roving the surface of the earth. Somehow they just keep powering along, even in an environment that seems quite a bit more hostile even than driving in New York City.

So here's to the twin Rovers. May they continue their revealing trek across the red planet.

And may someone in Detroit ask, Why are the most successful electric cars on Mars?

To Pierce or not to Pierce?

Diogenes was by no means an ordinary chap. Not at all! He was a bit of a conservative philosopher, although with a sense of humor, and he was convinced that he had a "calling", very much like the mission of the original Diogenes from the barrel. Had he lived during the Hellenistic period, he, no doubt, would have been noticed and, perhaps, celebrated. But now, in the 21st century, when common sense has been replaced with individual sense and universal values have been substituted with personal "values", Diogenes was rejected as a misanthropist. Yet, his heart was full of love and compassion for fellow humans, but who would believe him?

During Christmas' week of 2005 he had visited London and spent a lot of time walking in areas like Soho, Oxford Circus and Piccadilly Circus. He wasn't interested in shopping. He couldn't afford much, anyway. But he was interested in studying people by looking at their faces, the way they dressed and the manner they spoke. He was stricken in particular by some youngsters' "forky" hairstyle - sometimes pink, sometimes yellow - and their profound body piercing. Oh, how did he wish that he could stand up in one of those crowded places and preach a sensible message to the masses! He envied some street "evangelists" who were fervently inviting people to be "saved", bravely ignoring the mocking and the hostile glances of passers by.

So, how could he deliver his message - a critical view of body piercing? Well, "where there is a will there is a way", the saying goes. And the best way of delivering his message would be through a certain discussion board in which he had been posting in the previous year under a different name. Besides, posting his view in a discussion forum was, at least, physically safe. He wouldn't be in danger of being beaten up, except verbally. So, upon his return to Bristol he got ready for preaching on the board. Here is his first post:

"Hello everybody and HAPPY NEW YEAR to you!

I have been thinking of making some new-year resolutions tonight, and one of these is about body piercing. To PIERCE or not to PIERCE??? This is the big question to which I am agonizing to give the right answer. You see, I wear a ponytail and this usually goes well with earrings, at least half a dozen of them on each ear. Doesn't it?

But as I was contemplating about this, I thought, once my ears are pierced then my nose will get jealous and will want to be pierced, too. And then my eyebrows, my lips, and my tongue will expect to be pierced so as to not look out of fashion. Going further down on my body, I realized that my nipples should not be left out of fashion, neither should my navel. They, too, should be pierced!

Then I came to my very intimate parts at the top of my legs and, as I was tenderly touching them, I wondered if the ultimate fashion of piercing should reach them as well. Should I pierce my precious vital organ or not, I wondered... And if I did, would this make the penetration to narrow passages hard? Difficult question, isn't it?

Oh, just thinking about it felt as a nightmare! Was it the fear of pain that made me shivering? But, there again, 'no pain, no gain', I reckoned... Would the pain justify the gain? I wondered! 'I must be brave!' I said to myself. 'I should not be a coward! I must overcome this ugly fear, which tries to keep me out of fashion!' Perhaps, I thought, there might be some people in this board with a few holes in their bodies, who could encourage me to make this great new-year resolution.

Could anyone advise me: to pierce or not to pierce? And if I pierced, what pleasure shall I derive from it? Would I be happier? More acceptable by modern society, more fun to be with? What would I gain from going through this pain? A lot of serious questions that demand an answer... Is there anyone in this board who could answer all or, at least, some of these questions, please? And if you come back to me, could you please indicate under your name: 'pierced', or 'not pierced', accordingly? This way I will be able to evaluate your answers. Because it is different when the answer comes from experience than from observation or prejudice.

Oh, by the way, does any one know where this fashion came from? Which people, in which country, at what year the first brave pierced man or woman appeared? Looking forward to your answers. Thanks! Diogenes"

The answers started pouring in immediately! Just as he had guessed, everybody took Diogenes' seriously and showed compassion. No one suspected the irony behind the questions. Here are excerpts from some of the postings:

CHARLES: "1st Piercing? Probably Neanderthals. Go get your ears done, and take it from there... If you don't like it the holes will fill back in. I've got a pierce in each ear and always wear my gold or diamond studs...Navels are nice, but not for me... Yet, make sure a qualified person does the piercing and you follow their hygiene instructions, or serious infection can result. It has to be done in a completely sterilized fashion and then you need to apply antibacterial/fungal ointment everyday for several weeks and keep the ears sterile... Good luck!"

ZIZI: "I would start out slowly, with the ears. It can get to be too much real quick and you'll look like a freak! It also is not healthy for you to be trying to heal too many piercings at the same time. Make sure you go to a professional piercer and don't have them done with a gun at the mall. I have earings (one in left lobe, 2 in right lobe and one high in the right cartilage), a tiny diamond nose stud, and a quarter-sized tattoo on my ankle that I regret. Piercings at least are reversible as long as you're not stretching them out."

BOB: "Piercing? It is a case of personal freedom. DO be aware that tongue piercing is very dangerous. Best of luck, it's all about your personal freedom.

GAYMAN: "It's all personal preference - but do remember that excessive facial piercing can reduce your employment options. I've had several piercings and many of them have healed closed (mainly because I couldn't be bothered with them anymore) and now just keep an ear pierced. When you first get it done you have a feeling that everyone is staring at you (like an ear stud REALLY makes you stand out). Tongue piercings or anything below the waist really hits my squeak buttons. Oh, and while ears do not hurt, do not believe what they tell you about anywhere else. Like tattoos, they hurt."

By now Diogenes was fed up. Surprisingly, no one had stepped in to give the answer he was expecting. So, he decided to hit back with his previous alias, i.e. Marilou - a female poster of the Board:

MARILOU: "Diogenes, Welcome to this Board but, for goodness sake, can't you think of any other resolutions for the NEW YEAR that make more sense? Oh, you of poor COMMON SENSE! How embarrassing for your name to ask such silly questions... Haven't you ever thought that we owe our wonderfully made body a bit of respect? Who are those who bring all the silly and self-destructive fashions around, and what are they after? Of course they are shrewd people who know how to make money out of fools!

My advice is to leave your body in peace! Don't make any holes on it! And, excuse me to say, try to patch up some 'holes' in your mind! Sorry to disturb you on the first day of the New Year, but really someone has to wake you up... I am also disappointed with all those who kindly advised you as to how you should proceed in making holes in your precious body. Isn't there any sober man or woman in the Board to kindly warn you out of this? Or have some missed this stupid topic?

Happy New Year to you, Diogenes! And Happy New Year to all the others, 'pierced or not pierced'! Peace and warm hugs for all, even for those who bite! Marilou"

Now Diogenes answered back to Marilou by saying: "Marilou, you are the one who BITES! At least you shouldn't do it on the first day of the year. And, listen to this: I do not accept your advices. My body belongs to me and I am free to do as I am pleased."

And, sure enough, there were many angry posters who rushed in to support him by attacking Marilou. Here is a sample:

ISABELLA: "Marilou, you spew insulting hateful bile and then wish peace and love? How about leading by example? I was impressed by your first posts. Now you've shown yourself to be judgmental, petty and mean. You are not representing your faith well. Our bodies are a temporary vessel and ours to adorn as we please. What's a little hole here & there or some artwork? If there is a god, I hope he's got bigger fish to fry. Lighten up!"

There were more postings in the same angry "spirit" and Diogenes had a good laugh at all of them. However, at the same time he was disappointed, and he couldn't help questioning about the posters' intelligence. And he still wonders what would be the best way to make his messages intelligible, when even humor didn't help...

(This is a true story)

Talking Dog

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?' The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Gourmet Food

A good man passed away and went to heaven. He was greeted by St. Peter, who congratulated him and said he could have anything he wished. The fellow requested something to eat and a telescope so that he could look around. While eating the sandwich provided to him, he peered through the telescope down at the folks in hell and saw that they were feasting on prawns, chicken tikkas, mutton chops, karahi paneer and desserts. "How come people down there are eating gourmet food?" He asked St. Peter. "I earned a place in heaven, but you gave me only a sandwich!" "Well," replied St. Peter apologetically, "it doesn't pay to cook for just two."

Sinking Titanic

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Two miles... Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more. Captain: .....???? Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here? Captain: Downward...

B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

Change of Mind

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Dying Husband

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?" "Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

Playing Safe

A priest was preparing a dying man for his 'long day's journey into night'. Whispering firmly, the priest says, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man says nothing. The priest repeats his order again. Still, the dying man says nothing. The priest asks, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man replies, "Until I know exactly where I'm headed, I don't think it's such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet."

Smart Chauffeur

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him. "Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax." The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?" One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together. "That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."

Friendly Devil

"Welcome to Heaven," St. Peter says to the newly arrived politician. "Before you settle in, you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the people. They play golf and dine on lobster and caviar. The devil is also there, a very friendly guy who laughs and tells jokes. It is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven. 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The politician reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and grins menacingly. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my Friends look miserable." The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Why Cola Failed In Arab

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?” The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend. The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

Suspicious Wife

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her... After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?" "I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.

Feeling Airsick?

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep. After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

Faith and Belief

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain." The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious...! "We can't worship today. You do NOT yet believe," he said. "But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe!" "Believe???" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas???"

Fishing The Bait

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies. "Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishing, sir." "Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"

A Dog Who Talks

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?' The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Michigan Temperature conversion chart

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats. Michigan people sunbathe. 50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Michigan people plant gardens. 40 above - Italian cars won`t start. Michigan people drive with the windows down. 32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan`s water gets thicker. 20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Michigan people have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Michigan people throw on a sweatshirt. 0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Michigan people throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt. 20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Michigan people get out their winter coats. 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Michigan Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Michigan`s Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 below - Mount St. Helen`s freezes. Michigan people rent some videos. 100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Michigan people get frustrated when they can`t thaw the keg. 297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Michigan cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Michigan people start saying. . ."Cold `nuff for ya??" 500 below - Hell freezes over. The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl. Keep Smiling.......It Makes the World A Brighter Place

Flag Colors Represent Taxes

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Backhand For Pearl Harbour

An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor. "What was that for?", says the Chinaman. "That", says the Jew, "Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you bastards!" The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says "Hey wait, I`m Chinese, not Japanese, it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour." The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, you`re all the same to me." So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked. "What was that for?" "That was for sinking the Titanic" "The Titanic!", says the Jew. "The Titanic was sunk by a iceberg!" And the Chinese says "Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, you`re all the same to me!"

What A Fine Balance?

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining his subordinates ............... "Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer`s there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the united states. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance." One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?" God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....." The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance." God replied "Look at the neighbors I gave them" !!

Recycle The Waste

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat. The American asks :`Do you eat the bread entirely?` The Indian answers,`Of course!` American : `We do not .We only eat the inner part.The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India.` The Indian says nothing. The American continues,`Do you eat this jelly with the bread?` Indian : `Of course!` American : `We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container.Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to India.` The Indian finally asks,`And what do you do with the condoms after using them?` American : `We throw them away,of course!` Indian : `We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.`

India has the best of everything?

When God created the world, he could not help boasting to Brahma of the special favours he had bestowed on India. "I gave it the highest mountains and the broadest rivers in the world; I gave it coal, gold and diamond mines. I gave it the best of everything." "Was it fair to give one country so much wealth ?" asked Brahma. "You should see the kind of people I put in India. They will waste everything I gave them."

No Canoe For You

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we`ve caught you, we`re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest-- everywhere. There`s blood gushing out all over, it`s horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams,"What are you doing?!" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,"So much for your canoe, ya jerk."

Can You Relate?

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come everyday to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly: "Like I m talking to a wall."

Religion Troubles

There were two friends. One Hindu, Pawan and the other Muslim, Javed. They were heavy boozers. Not a day passed without their meeting, which resulted in ending up at a bar. Everyone was fed up with their drinking habit. Even they were keen to stop drinking. But the urge to drink always got the better of them. Once they met in the morning. Being sober, they discuss their problem and came up with a solution. The Hindu says that it would be equal to eating the holy cow, and similarly the Muslim says that drinking whisky would be equal to eating a pig for him. After their daily chores, their natural instinct made them meet outside the bar. They are happy to see each other, but they remind each other of their holy vow. They couldn`t stand outside for long and suggest that it is unholy for them to drink but they could always sit in the bar. Thus, they go inside and sat on their favourite table. They further decide, that they could always order a drink each and not drink it as it would look rude sitting in the bar and not ordering something. So they ended up with a glass each in front of them. Pointing to the glass in front of him, Pawan says that drinking from the glass in front of him is equal to eating beef for him. And Javed points that drinking from the glass in front of him is equal to eating ham for him. Their craving was getting the better of them. They could not control the urges. And suddenly Pawan says that Javed, " You can eat beef and I can eat ham, let`s change glasses and drink." No sooner this was mentioned, they gulp their glasses and had a good evening full of booze. Moral: Religion does not come between the drunk and the drink.

Ode to the Jewish Mother

Jewish Mothers dont differ from any other in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irvin has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don`t know," Sid replied. "Why don`t we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

The Quattro Trouble

Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asks the driver. "Quattro means four," replied the blonde. "Quattro is just the name of the car," the Irishman retorted in disbelief, "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law". The driver replies angrily, "Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," she said sweetly, "he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Fly Home Birdies

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England. The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle, which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home. The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said, "A penguin."

This is for Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses. 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated. 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year. 7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I m not a clock watcher. I . will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical sicne my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then. 8. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 9. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. 10. I will think of a password other than "password." 11. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Delicious Peanuts

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

Want my job?

The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I`ll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "Sir, you wouldn`t want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."

Mr. Good Cat!

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we`re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don`t have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you`ve been sending by are the best!"

Positive approach!

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. "I must say," says the executive, "Your work history is terrible. You`ve been fired from every job." "Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the executive "there`s not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I`m not a quitter."

Revenge!

A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded, etc. Sell for $150.00. She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition. She asked the woman, "What`s the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?" "Well," she said, "it`s my husband`s car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: `In Miami. Need money. Sell car`."

Costly Perfume

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Nice excuse!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice Christmas," said the officer.

Majored In Different Fields

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we`ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I`m listening."iN

Drinking Horse

A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket. "What?" questioned the bartender, "Why would you want so many martinis?" "My horse likes them," replied the cowboy, "and he's tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him." So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis. "If you don't mind," he said, "I'd like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes." "Be my guest," said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply. "Darnedest thing I ever saw," said the bartender. "Why don't you come back in and I'll mix you a few on the house." "No, I couldn't do that," said the man. "But thanks anyway." "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "Don't you like martinis?" "Love'em," replied the cowboy, "but I gotta drive."

Spelling Bee

Agatha's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?" "Nothing," Agatha said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?" "Nothing," Agatha answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?" Agatha smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'Nothing'!"

Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser. Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him. Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife say, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket. The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied, "Listen I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in with him." "You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!" "I sure did," said the wife, "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote a cheque, if he can cash it he can spend it.

Intelligent Man

Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology. One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London he went to appear on the show. The moment came when he was called up to the chair, to be questioned. "Paddy, what is your specialist subject?" "Irish History." "Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution?" "Pass." "In what year was the revolution?" "Pass." "How many men died during the Easter Revolution?" "Pass." "What was the name of the British informer who helped the rebels?" "Pass." All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and roared, "Good man Paddy, tell the fu**ing English nothing."

Birthday Present

The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume. The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day." The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

Niagara Falls!!!!

Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world`s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can`t be heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls.

Hearing aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven`t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I`ve changed my will three times!"

Fantastic !

Two friends from the old country, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach. The first woman says, "When my first child was born, my husband built me this beautiful mansion." The second woman says, "Fantastic." The first woman continues, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a brand new Cadillac." Again, the second woman says, "Fantastic." The first woman boasts, "When my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman comments, "Fantastic." The first woman then asks her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The 2nd woman replies, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cries, "What for?" "So instead of saying `Who cares`, I learned to say, `Fantastic!`"

Absent-minded professor!

Professor Johnson’s family was moving house. Knowing how forgetful her husband could be, his wife put a slip of paper in each of his pockets with the new address written on it. When his classes were over, all he had to do was to take out one of the slips and then drive to his new home. But during the course of the day, he uses every single piece of paper to write notes on, and then gave the notes to the students. Work over, he got into his car, it was then that he suddenly remembered that this was moving day. He could not recall at all where he was to go. But he had an inspiration. He drove to his old house, and luckily enough, there were some children playing outside. "Hi little girl!" he called to a child who was near. "Can you tell me where the Johnson’s have moved to?" "Sure, It/s just around the corner and two houses down Daddy."

Wake up man!

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what`s your problem?" ask the others. "I don t wake up until nine!"

Locket

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don t you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Borrowing The Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight`s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don`t I?"

A complicated breakfast order!

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the headwaiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good Morning Sir", the Headwaiter says. "What a wonderful morning I`d like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it`s runny, and the other so over cooked it s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That`s a complicated order Sir," said the bewildered waiter, "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don t understand what is the problem in that, that`s what I got yesterday!"

Dead horses!

The Major went out to find that none of his soldiers were there. One finally ran up, sweating heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran five miles, and now I'm here." The Major was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go. Moments later, more soldiers came up to the Major panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The Major eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. Another soldier jogged up to the Major, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the Major interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the soldier., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Hats off!

A Marine walks in the restroom and sees a Sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The Marine says, "It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you have to pee." The sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I d have to do is take off my hat."

Special Skills

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel." "Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

Special Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only Rs 5,00,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque. "I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller phoned the old man, "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Birthday Present

The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume. The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day." The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

Priest’s Affair

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.The priest then asked him again, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.”The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.”Finally, the priest yelled, “CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?”Again, the reply was, “I can’t hear you.”The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.”So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?”

To which the priest replied, “By golly, you can’t hear in here!”

Smart Husband

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too.”The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”

Mouse Holes

Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc.This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.”You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed,” she told him.”Oh, relax,” says the husband, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.”"Just keep your mouth shut,” says the wife. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, “Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story. I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?”

Birthday Gift

Two guys were talking at work. “I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.”What is it?”"My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”"What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.”Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”"Hmmmm…, hard to top that one,” said the other.The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful!”

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”

Blind Golfers

A Pastor, a Doctor and an Engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What`s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inaptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Safe Custody

Once a divorce case was being settled in court and the Judge asked the little kid of the couple, “Little boy, would you like to stay with your father!” The kid said, “No he beats me everyday!” The judge asked him, “So you want to stay with your mother?” He replied, “No! She also beats me!” Now the judge got a little confused and asked the boy sternly, “Well who do you want to stay with in that case?” The kid answered, “I want to stay with the Indian Cricket Team, because it never beats anyone.”

Golf Clubs?

There was a very rich man. He fell sick and could not be cured by any Doctor. Ultimately he came across a Doctor who cured his ailment. After the cure, the rich man asked the Doctor to ask for anything he cared in the World. But the Doctor refused to accept any gifts on the plea that it was his duty and he has charged him the professional fees. On much insistence by the rich man, The Doctor agreed for a gift. He said that he would like to have a pair of Golf Clubs. A few months passed and the Doctor did not receive the clubs. He thought that the rich man probably was trying to impress him and he would probably not send him the clubs. After 6 months the Doctor received a Call from the rich man and asked that the Clubs are ready but whether he cared to have a swimming pool in any of them.

Habits Die Hard

“Throw the baby down!” shouted the fireman to a woman on top of a blazing building. “I won’t!” she yelled back. “You might drop him!” “No, I won’t!” he shouted back. “I m a professional goalkeeper!” Reassured, the woman dropped her baby to the footballer, who immediately bounced the child three times and kicked him over the garden wall…!

Tree Hazard

A young man who was an avid golfer had a few hours to spare. He figured that if he played quickly, he could squeeze in nine holes before heading home. Just as he was about to tee-off, an elderly gentleman asked if he could accompany him as he, too, was playing alone. The young man agreed. When they finally reached the ninth fairway, the young man had a tough shot-there was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. He was considering how to hit the shot, when the other man said, “When I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” Accepting the challenge, the younger man swung hard and hit the ball smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back on the ground not far from where it originally lay. “Of course,” the elderly man continued, “when I was your age, that pine tree was only a meter tall.”

Desire To Steal

“Mr. Jacobs,” the analyst said, “I think this will be your last visit.” “Does that mean I’m cured?” he asked. “For all practical purposes, yes,” she said. “I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven’t stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.” “Well, that’s terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I’d like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it’s been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.” “You’ve paid my fee,” the doctor said. “That’s the only responsibility you have.” “I know,” Jacobs said. “But isn’t there some personal favor I could do for you?” “Well,” the doctor said, “I’ll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television.”

Wet Dreams

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night. “Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor said. “Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee.” “OK,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we’ve already peed.” Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So? Did you do as I said? “Yes, I did.” “Did it help?” “Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.” “How?” “As I said ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s shit a little.”

Too Late

The orthopedic surgeon Joe work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. Joe sat the display skeleton in the front of his car, his bony arm across the back of his seat. Joe hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside him became obvious, and he looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

One Liner Jokes

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations–we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

• Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter

• Two women were talking about their new milkman.First: He’s very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.And so quickly too!, said the other.

• Tom and Dick were walking in the highlands then suddenly Tom fell down a deep hole. Dick: Are you ok? Tom: Fine thanks! Dick: Did you break anything? Tom: No, there’s nothing down here!

• An old: Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up. Doc: That’s not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.

• Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

• It isn’t widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.

• John always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

• Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can’t b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??

Super Computer

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

“This”, he said, “is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.”Where is my father?” he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.”Actually”, he said, “My father is dead”!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, “Where is my mother’s husband?”

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.”

Psychic Chat

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, “Grandma? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really you, Grandma?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandma, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“When did you learn to speak English?”

Miracle Doctor

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Tom, the town’s grouch.

So Tom went to this ‘Miracle Doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t so miraculous.

He goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing, so what are you going to do?”

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tell Tom, “What you need is jar number 43.”

“Jar number 43?”, Tom wonders.

So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Tom to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is Shit!” he yells.

“I just restored your sense of taste Tom,” says the doctor.

So Tom goes home very mad.

One month later,

Tom goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!

“Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little. Then tells Tom, “What you need is jar number 43…”

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Tom fled the office.

Gold Watch

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.

“For example,” the Judge said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom.”

When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Don’t you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?”

“What?” exclaimed the Judge. “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?”

“I gave it to the first one,” replied his wife, “he knew exactly where it was.”

Broken Arm

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.

The second one answered, “He’s a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he’d screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it.

“The first doctor asked, “He went mad because he broke an arm?

“The second medic answered, “No, he went mad because he couldn’t figure out how to sue himself!”

Diaper Change

A first-time father takes his baby to the doctor. “Doc, I can`t figure out what`s wrong with him. He doesn`t stop crying.”

It only takes the doctor a second to see what is wrong. “Here’s your problem,” says the doctor. “This baby’s in serious need of a diaper change.”

Looking baffled, the man replies, “But the package says it’s good for eight to 10 pounds!”

Manager!!!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don`t know where I am.” The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” “You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you`ve not been much help so far.” The man below responded, “You must be a manager.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man on the ground, “you don`t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it`s my fault.”