This is for Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses. 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated. 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year. 7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I m not a clock watcher. I . will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical sicne my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then. 8. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 9. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. 10. I will think of a password other than "password." 11. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Delicious Peanuts

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

Want my job?

The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I`ll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "Sir, you wouldn`t want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."

Mr. Good Cat!

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we`re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don`t have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you`ve been sending by are the best!"

Positive approach!

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. "I must say," says the executive, "Your work history is terrible. You`ve been fired from every job." "Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the executive "there`s not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I`m not a quitter."

Revenge!

A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded, etc. Sell for $150.00. She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition. She asked the woman, "What`s the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?" "Well," she said, "it`s my husband`s car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: `In Miami. Need money. Sell car`."

Costly Perfume

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Nice excuse!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice Christmas," said the officer.

Majored In Different Fields

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we`ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I`m listening."iN

Drinking Horse

A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket. "What?" questioned the bartender, "Why would you want so many martinis?" "My horse likes them," replied the cowboy, "and he's tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him." So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis. "If you don't mind," he said, "I'd like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes." "Be my guest," said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply. "Darnedest thing I ever saw," said the bartender. "Why don't you come back in and I'll mix you a few on the house." "No, I couldn't do that," said the man. "But thanks anyway." "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "Don't you like martinis?" "Love'em," replied the cowboy, "but I gotta drive."

Spelling Bee

Agatha's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?" "Nothing," Agatha said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?" "Nothing," Agatha answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?" Agatha smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'Nothing'!"

Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser. Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him. Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife say, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket. The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied, "Listen I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in with him." "You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!" "I sure did," said the wife, "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote a cheque, if he can cash it he can spend it.

Intelligent Man

Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology. One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London he went to appear on the show. The moment came when he was called up to the chair, to be questioned. "Paddy, what is your specialist subject?" "Irish History." "Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution?" "Pass." "In what year was the revolution?" "Pass." "How many men died during the Easter Revolution?" "Pass." "What was the name of the British informer who helped the rebels?" "Pass." All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and roared, "Good man Paddy, tell the fu**ing English nothing."

Birthday Present

The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume. The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day." The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

Niagara Falls!!!!

Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world`s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can`t be heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls.

Hearing aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven`t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I`ve changed my will three times!"

Fantastic !

Two friends from the old country, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach. The first woman says, "When my first child was born, my husband built me this beautiful mansion." The second woman says, "Fantastic." The first woman continues, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a brand new Cadillac." Again, the second woman says, "Fantastic." The first woman boasts, "When my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman comments, "Fantastic." The first woman then asks her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The 2nd woman replies, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cries, "What for?" "So instead of saying `Who cares`, I learned to say, `Fantastic!`"

Absent-minded professor!

Professor Johnson’s family was moving house. Knowing how forgetful her husband could be, his wife put a slip of paper in each of his pockets with the new address written on it. When his classes were over, all he had to do was to take out one of the slips and then drive to his new home. But during the course of the day, he uses every single piece of paper to write notes on, and then gave the notes to the students. Work over, he got into his car, it was then that he suddenly remembered that this was moving day. He could not recall at all where he was to go. But he had an inspiration. He drove to his old house, and luckily enough, there were some children playing outside. "Hi little girl!" he called to a child who was near. "Can you tell me where the Johnson’s have moved to?" "Sure, It/s just around the corner and two houses down Daddy."

Wake up man!

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what`s your problem?" ask the others. "I don t wake up until nine!"

Locket

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don t you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Borrowing The Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight`s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don`t I?"

A complicated breakfast order!

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the headwaiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good Morning Sir", the Headwaiter says. "What a wonderful morning I`d like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it`s runny, and the other so over cooked it s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That`s a complicated order Sir," said the bewildered waiter, "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don t understand what is the problem in that, that`s what I got yesterday!"

Dead horses!

The Major went out to find that none of his soldiers were there. One finally ran up, sweating heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran five miles, and now I'm here." The Major was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go. Moments later, more soldiers came up to the Major panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The Major eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. Another soldier jogged up to the Major, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the Major interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the soldier., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Hats off!

A Marine walks in the restroom and sees a Sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The Marine says, "It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you have to pee." The sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I d have to do is take off my hat."

Special Skills

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel." "Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

Special Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only Rs 5,00,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque. "I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller phoned the old man, "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Birthday Present

The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume. The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day." The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"