Priest’s Affair

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.The priest then asked him again, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.”The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.”Finally, the priest yelled, “CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?”Again, the reply was, “I can’t hear you.”The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.”So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?”

To which the priest replied, “By golly, you can’t hear in here!”

Smart Husband

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too.”The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”

Mouse Holes

Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc.This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.”You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed,” she told him.”Oh, relax,” says the husband, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.”"Just keep your mouth shut,” says the wife. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, “Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story. I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?”

Birthday Gift

Two guys were talking at work. “I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.”What is it?”"My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”"What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.”Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”"Hmmmm…, hard to top that one,” said the other.The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful!”

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”

Blind Golfers

A Pastor, a Doctor and an Engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What`s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inaptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Safe Custody

Once a divorce case was being settled in court and the Judge asked the little kid of the couple, “Little boy, would you like to stay with your father!” The kid said, “No he beats me everyday!” The judge asked him, “So you want to stay with your mother?” He replied, “No! She also beats me!” Now the judge got a little confused and asked the boy sternly, “Well who do you want to stay with in that case?” The kid answered, “I want to stay with the Indian Cricket Team, because it never beats anyone.”

Golf Clubs?

There was a very rich man. He fell sick and could not be cured by any Doctor. Ultimately he came across a Doctor who cured his ailment. After the cure, the rich man asked the Doctor to ask for anything he cared in the World. But the Doctor refused to accept any gifts on the plea that it was his duty and he has charged him the professional fees. On much insistence by the rich man, The Doctor agreed for a gift. He said that he would like to have a pair of Golf Clubs. A few months passed and the Doctor did not receive the clubs. He thought that the rich man probably was trying to impress him and he would probably not send him the clubs. After 6 months the Doctor received a Call from the rich man and asked that the Clubs are ready but whether he cared to have a swimming pool in any of them.

Habits Die Hard

“Throw the baby down!” shouted the fireman to a woman on top of a blazing building. “I won’t!” she yelled back. “You might drop him!” “No, I won’t!” he shouted back. “I m a professional goalkeeper!” Reassured, the woman dropped her baby to the footballer, who immediately bounced the child three times and kicked him over the garden wall…!

Tree Hazard

A young man who was an avid golfer had a few hours to spare. He figured that if he played quickly, he could squeeze in nine holes before heading home. Just as he was about to tee-off, an elderly gentleman asked if he could accompany him as he, too, was playing alone. The young man agreed. When they finally reached the ninth fairway, the young man had a tough shot-there was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. He was considering how to hit the shot, when the other man said, “When I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” Accepting the challenge, the younger man swung hard and hit the ball smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back on the ground not far from where it originally lay. “Of course,” the elderly man continued, “when I was your age, that pine tree was only a meter tall.”

Desire To Steal

“Mr. Jacobs,” the analyst said, “I think this will be your last visit.” “Does that mean I’m cured?” he asked. “For all practical purposes, yes,” she said. “I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven’t stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.” “Well, that’s terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I’d like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it’s been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.” “You’ve paid my fee,” the doctor said. “That’s the only responsibility you have.” “I know,” Jacobs said. “But isn’t there some personal favor I could do for you?” “Well,” the doctor said, “I’ll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television.”

Wet Dreams

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night. “Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor said. “Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee.” “OK,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we’ve already peed.” Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So? Did you do as I said? “Yes, I did.” “Did it help?” “Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.” “How?” “As I said ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s shit a little.”

Too Late

The orthopedic surgeon Joe work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. Joe sat the display skeleton in the front of his car, his bony arm across the back of his seat. Joe hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside him became obvious, and he looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

One Liner Jokes

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations–we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

• Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter

• Two women were talking about their new milkman.First: He’s very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.And so quickly too!, said the other.

• Tom and Dick were walking in the highlands then suddenly Tom fell down a deep hole. Dick: Are you ok? Tom: Fine thanks! Dick: Did you break anything? Tom: No, there’s nothing down here!

• An old: Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up. Doc: That’s not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.

• Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

• It isn’t widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.

• John always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

• Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can’t b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??

Super Computer

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

“This”, he said, “is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.”Where is my father?” he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.”Actually”, he said, “My father is dead”!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, “Where is my mother’s husband?”

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.”

Psychic Chat

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, “Grandma? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really you, Grandma?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandma, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“When did you learn to speak English?”

Miracle Doctor

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Tom, the town’s grouch.

So Tom went to this ‘Miracle Doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t so miraculous.

He goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing, so what are you going to do?”

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tell Tom, “What you need is jar number 43.”

“Jar number 43?”, Tom wonders.

So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Tom to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is Shit!” he yells.

“I just restored your sense of taste Tom,” says the doctor.

So Tom goes home very mad.

One month later,

Tom goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!

“Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little. Then tells Tom, “What you need is jar number 43…”

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Tom fled the office.

Gold Watch

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.

“For example,” the Judge said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom.”

When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Don’t you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?”

“What?” exclaimed the Judge. “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?”

“I gave it to the first one,” replied his wife, “he knew exactly where it was.”

Broken Arm

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.

The second one answered, “He’s a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he’d screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it.

“The first doctor asked, “He went mad because he broke an arm?

“The second medic answered, “No, he went mad because he couldn’t figure out how to sue himself!”

Diaper Change

A first-time father takes his baby to the doctor. “Doc, I can`t figure out what`s wrong with him. He doesn`t stop crying.”

It only takes the doctor a second to see what is wrong. “Here’s your problem,” says the doctor. “This baby’s in serious need of a diaper change.”

Looking baffled, the man replies, “But the package says it’s good for eight to 10 pounds!”

Manager!!!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don`t know where I am.” The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” “You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you`ve not been much help so far.” The man below responded, “You must be a manager.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man on the ground, “you don`t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it`s my fault.”