Making Love

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a `kiss`?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I`d like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a `caress`?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You`ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is `make love`, Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a `headache`?"

Johnnie Johnnie

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie". "Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?" "Johnnie", she said. "Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?" "Johnnie", she said. "Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?" "Johnnie", she said. "Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn`t that terribly complicated?" "Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed." "I see. But what if you want only one of them?" "No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."

Slowest Clock?

Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt. Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.

The New Wifey

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech: "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years". "What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law. "What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law): Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning". "Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law. "As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

Parrot Trouble With New Girls

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Nick! New arrivals.... want? 25% off now..."

Misunderstanding

The homeowner was delighted with the way Peter had done all the paintwork on his house.

"You did a great job," he said as he handed Peter his fees. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie."

Peter declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that."

"I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it."

"Well," said Peter reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Peter, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers.

Thinking that Peter had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?"

"Nope," replied Peter. "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."