Michigan Temperature conversion chart

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats. Michigan people sunbathe. 50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Michigan people plant gardens. 40 above - Italian cars won`t start. Michigan people drive with the windows down. 32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan`s water gets thicker. 20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Michigan people have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Michigan people throw on a sweatshirt. 0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Michigan people throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt. 20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Michigan people get out their winter coats. 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Michigan Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Michigan`s Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 below - Mount St. Helen`s freezes. Michigan people rent some videos. 100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Michigan people get frustrated when they can`t thaw the keg. 297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Michigan cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Michigan people start saying. . ."Cold `nuff for ya??" 500 below - Hell freezes over. The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl. Keep Smiling.......It Makes the World A Brighter Place

Flag Colors Represent Taxes

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Backhand For Pearl Harbour

An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor. "What was that for?", says the Chinaman. "That", says the Jew, "Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you bastards!" The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says "Hey wait, I`m Chinese, not Japanese, it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour." The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, you`re all the same to me." So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked. "What was that for?" "That was for sinking the Titanic" "The Titanic!", says the Jew. "The Titanic was sunk by a iceberg!" And the Chinese says "Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, you`re all the same to me!"

What A Fine Balance?

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining his subordinates ............... "Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer`s there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the united states. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance." One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?" God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....." The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance." God replied "Look at the neighbors I gave them" !!

Recycle The Waste

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat. The American asks :`Do you eat the bread entirely?` The Indian answers,`Of course!` American : `We do not .We only eat the inner part.The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India.` The Indian says nothing. The American continues,`Do you eat this jelly with the bread?` Indian : `Of course!` American : `We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container.Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to India.` The Indian finally asks,`And what do you do with the condoms after using them?` American : `We throw them away,of course!` Indian : `We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.`

India has the best of everything?

When God created the world, he could not help boasting to Brahma of the special favours he had bestowed on India. "I gave it the highest mountains and the broadest rivers in the world; I gave it coal, gold and diamond mines. I gave it the best of everything." "Was it fair to give one country so much wealth ?" asked Brahma. "You should see the kind of people I put in India. They will waste everything I gave them."

No Canoe For You

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we`ve caught you, we`re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest-- everywhere. There`s blood gushing out all over, it`s horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams,"What are you doing?!" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,"So much for your canoe, ya jerk."

Can You Relate?

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come everyday to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly: "Like I m talking to a wall."

Religion Troubles

There were two friends. One Hindu, Pawan and the other Muslim, Javed. They were heavy boozers. Not a day passed without their meeting, which resulted in ending up at a bar. Everyone was fed up with their drinking habit. Even they were keen to stop drinking. But the urge to drink always got the better of them. Once they met in the morning. Being sober, they discuss their problem and came up with a solution. The Hindu says that it would be equal to eating the holy cow, and similarly the Muslim says that drinking whisky would be equal to eating a pig for him. After their daily chores, their natural instinct made them meet outside the bar. They are happy to see each other, but they remind each other of their holy vow. They couldn`t stand outside for long and suggest that it is unholy for them to drink but they could always sit in the bar. Thus, they go inside and sat on their favourite table. They further decide, that they could always order a drink each and not drink it as it would look rude sitting in the bar and not ordering something. So they ended up with a glass each in front of them. Pointing to the glass in front of him, Pawan says that drinking from the glass in front of him is equal to eating beef for him. And Javed points that drinking from the glass in front of him is equal to eating ham for him. Their craving was getting the better of them. They could not control the urges. And suddenly Pawan says that Javed, " You can eat beef and I can eat ham, let`s change glasses and drink." No sooner this was mentioned, they gulp their glasses and had a good evening full of booze. Moral: Religion does not come between the drunk and the drink.

Ode to the Jewish Mother

Jewish Mothers dont differ from any other in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irvin has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don`t know," Sid replied. "Why don`t we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

The Quattro Trouble

Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asks the driver. "Quattro means four," replied the blonde. "Quattro is just the name of the car," the Irishman retorted in disbelief, "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law". The driver replies angrily, "Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," she said sweetly, "he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Fly Home Birdies

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England. The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle, which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home. The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said, "A penguin."