Furniture Business?

John, a furniture dealer from Texas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to New York to see what he could find. After arriving in New York he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Texas. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer. As he sat enjoying his beer, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat. Before long, a very beautiful young woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the Chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not knew English so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, John took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of beer for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, John has no idea how she figured out he was in the Furniture business.

Prostate Problem

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks, "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. "A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Tom Dick and Harry And The Toilet Brush

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of Gourmet Spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long Gourmet Spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a Toilet Brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

Making Love

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a `kiss`?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I`d like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a `caress`?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You`ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is `make love`, Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a `headache`?"

Johnnie Johnnie

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie". "Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?" "Johnnie", she said. "Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?" "Johnnie", she said. "Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?" "Johnnie", she said. "Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn`t that terribly complicated?" "Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed." "I see. But what if you want only one of them?" "No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."

Slowest Clock?

Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt. Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.

The New Wifey

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech: "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years". "What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law. "What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law): Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning". "Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law. "As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

Parrot Trouble With New Girls

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Nick! New arrivals.... want? 25% off now..."

Misunderstanding

The homeowner was delighted with the way Peter had done all the paintwork on his house.

"You did a great job," he said as he handed Peter his fees. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie."

Peter declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that."

"I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it."

"Well," said Peter reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Peter, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers.

Thinking that Peter had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?"

"Nope," replied Peter. "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Dispute Over Fish Oil Gets Smoky Hot

It appears that fish oil prevents second heart attacks but primarily in Europe. It has become the usual practice over there to prescribe purified fish oil to patients who have had a heart attack. Their longevity increases through the likely benefit of preventing future heart attacks.

But in the U. S. fish oil, as a rich source of omega-3, hasn't been given nearly as much of an opportunity to benefit our cardiovascular systems, at least, not the prescription-grade of the fishy substance known by the brand name of Omacor, which is, among other tidy benefits, mercury-free.

Now, the dispute has gotten smoky hot.

We read such notices as, "Most cardiologists here are not giving omega-3's, even though the data supports it. There's a real disconnect," said Dr. Terry Jacobson, a cardiologist at Emory University in Atlanta. "They have been very slow to incorporate the therapy."

It appears, in fact, that if a prescription is sent to many a health insurance company in the USA that calls for Omacor, the patient receives a note that it's not covered and generic fish oil is recommended as a relatively inexpensive substitute. Only trouble is, of course, the OTC varieties are not as reliably pure or concentrated.

With more and more studies demonstrating the benefits of fish oil, the question is, when will American medicine finally get hooked?

Why Are The Most Successful Electric Cars On Mars?

Think about the Mars Rovers Opportunity and Spirit, the solar-powered vehicles that were designed to carry on for ninety days of Martian exploration but have now gone ten times that long - and are still going and going. Witness the great shots Opportunity just sent back from the edge of the Victoria crater.

In fact, when you think about them, you realize these golf-cart-size wonders seem to be cleverer than any electric car roving the surface of the earth. Somehow they just keep powering along, even in an environment that seems quite a bit more hostile even than driving in New York City.

So here's to the twin Rovers. May they continue their revealing trek across the red planet.

And may someone in Detroit ask, Why are the most successful electric cars on Mars?

To Pierce or not to Pierce?

Diogenes was by no means an ordinary chap. Not at all! He was a bit of a conservative philosopher, although with a sense of humor, and he was convinced that he had a "calling", very much like the mission of the original Diogenes from the barrel. Had he lived during the Hellenistic period, he, no doubt, would have been noticed and, perhaps, celebrated. But now, in the 21st century, when common sense has been replaced with individual sense and universal values have been substituted with personal "values", Diogenes was rejected as a misanthropist. Yet, his heart was full of love and compassion for fellow humans, but who would believe him?

During Christmas' week of 2005 he had visited London and spent a lot of time walking in areas like Soho, Oxford Circus and Piccadilly Circus. He wasn't interested in shopping. He couldn't afford much, anyway. But he was interested in studying people by looking at their faces, the way they dressed and the manner they spoke. He was stricken in particular by some youngsters' "forky" hairstyle - sometimes pink, sometimes yellow - and their profound body piercing. Oh, how did he wish that he could stand up in one of those crowded places and preach a sensible message to the masses! He envied some street "evangelists" who were fervently inviting people to be "saved", bravely ignoring the mocking and the hostile glances of passers by.

So, how could he deliver his message - a critical view of body piercing? Well, "where there is a will there is a way", the saying goes. And the best way of delivering his message would be through a certain discussion board in which he had been posting in the previous year under a different name. Besides, posting his view in a discussion forum was, at least, physically safe. He wouldn't be in danger of being beaten up, except verbally. So, upon his return to Bristol he got ready for preaching on the board. Here is his first post:

"Hello everybody and HAPPY NEW YEAR to you!

I have been thinking of making some new-year resolutions tonight, and one of these is about body piercing. To PIERCE or not to PIERCE??? This is the big question to which I am agonizing to give the right answer. You see, I wear a ponytail and this usually goes well with earrings, at least half a dozen of them on each ear. Doesn't it?

But as I was contemplating about this, I thought, once my ears are pierced then my nose will get jealous and will want to be pierced, too. And then my eyebrows, my lips, and my tongue will expect to be pierced so as to not look out of fashion. Going further down on my body, I realized that my nipples should not be left out of fashion, neither should my navel. They, too, should be pierced!

Then I came to my very intimate parts at the top of my legs and, as I was tenderly touching them, I wondered if the ultimate fashion of piercing should reach them as well. Should I pierce my precious vital organ or not, I wondered... And if I did, would this make the penetration to narrow passages hard? Difficult question, isn't it?

Oh, just thinking about it felt as a nightmare! Was it the fear of pain that made me shivering? But, there again, 'no pain, no gain', I reckoned... Would the pain justify the gain? I wondered! 'I must be brave!' I said to myself. 'I should not be a coward! I must overcome this ugly fear, which tries to keep me out of fashion!' Perhaps, I thought, there might be some people in this board with a few holes in their bodies, who could encourage me to make this great new-year resolution.

Could anyone advise me: to pierce or not to pierce? And if I pierced, what pleasure shall I derive from it? Would I be happier? More acceptable by modern society, more fun to be with? What would I gain from going through this pain? A lot of serious questions that demand an answer... Is there anyone in this board who could answer all or, at least, some of these questions, please? And if you come back to me, could you please indicate under your name: 'pierced', or 'not pierced', accordingly? This way I will be able to evaluate your answers. Because it is different when the answer comes from experience than from observation or prejudice.

Oh, by the way, does any one know where this fashion came from? Which people, in which country, at what year the first brave pierced man or woman appeared? Looking forward to your answers. Thanks! Diogenes"

The answers started pouring in immediately! Just as he had guessed, everybody took Diogenes' seriously and showed compassion. No one suspected the irony behind the questions. Here are excerpts from some of the postings:

CHARLES: "1st Piercing? Probably Neanderthals. Go get your ears done, and take it from there... If you don't like it the holes will fill back in. I've got a pierce in each ear and always wear my gold or diamond studs...Navels are nice, but not for me... Yet, make sure a qualified person does the piercing and you follow their hygiene instructions, or serious infection can result. It has to be done in a completely sterilized fashion and then you need to apply antibacterial/fungal ointment everyday for several weeks and keep the ears sterile... Good luck!"

ZIZI: "I would start out slowly, with the ears. It can get to be too much real quick and you'll look like a freak! It also is not healthy for you to be trying to heal too many piercings at the same time. Make sure you go to a professional piercer and don't have them done with a gun at the mall. I have earings (one in left lobe, 2 in right lobe and one high in the right cartilage), a tiny diamond nose stud, and a quarter-sized tattoo on my ankle that I regret. Piercings at least are reversible as long as you're not stretching them out."

BOB: "Piercing? It is a case of personal freedom. DO be aware that tongue piercing is very dangerous. Best of luck, it's all about your personal freedom.

GAYMAN: "It's all personal preference - but do remember that excessive facial piercing can reduce your employment options. I've had several piercings and many of them have healed closed (mainly because I couldn't be bothered with them anymore) and now just keep an ear pierced. When you first get it done you have a feeling that everyone is staring at you (like an ear stud REALLY makes you stand out). Tongue piercings or anything below the waist really hits my squeak buttons. Oh, and while ears do not hurt, do not believe what they tell you about anywhere else. Like tattoos, they hurt."

By now Diogenes was fed up. Surprisingly, no one had stepped in to give the answer he was expecting. So, he decided to hit back with his previous alias, i.e. Marilou - a female poster of the Board:

MARILOU: "Diogenes, Welcome to this Board but, for goodness sake, can't you think of any other resolutions for the NEW YEAR that make more sense? Oh, you of poor COMMON SENSE! How embarrassing for your name to ask such silly questions... Haven't you ever thought that we owe our wonderfully made body a bit of respect? Who are those who bring all the silly and self-destructive fashions around, and what are they after? Of course they are shrewd people who know how to make money out of fools!

My advice is to leave your body in peace! Don't make any holes on it! And, excuse me to say, try to patch up some 'holes' in your mind! Sorry to disturb you on the first day of the New Year, but really someone has to wake you up... I am also disappointed with all those who kindly advised you as to how you should proceed in making holes in your precious body. Isn't there any sober man or woman in the Board to kindly warn you out of this? Or have some missed this stupid topic?

Happy New Year to you, Diogenes! And Happy New Year to all the others, 'pierced or not pierced'! Peace and warm hugs for all, even for those who bite! Marilou"

Now Diogenes answered back to Marilou by saying: "Marilou, you are the one who BITES! At least you shouldn't do it on the first day of the year. And, listen to this: I do not accept your advices. My body belongs to me and I am free to do as I am pleased."

And, sure enough, there were many angry posters who rushed in to support him by attacking Marilou. Here is a sample:

ISABELLA: "Marilou, you spew insulting hateful bile and then wish peace and love? How about leading by example? I was impressed by your first posts. Now you've shown yourself to be judgmental, petty and mean. You are not representing your faith well. Our bodies are a temporary vessel and ours to adorn as we please. What's a little hole here & there or some artwork? If there is a god, I hope he's got bigger fish to fry. Lighten up!"

There were more postings in the same angry "spirit" and Diogenes had a good laugh at all of them. However, at the same time he was disappointed, and he couldn't help questioning about the posters' intelligence. And he still wonders what would be the best way to make his messages intelligible, when even humor didn't help...

(This is a true story)

Talking Dog

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?' The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Gourmet Food

A good man passed away and went to heaven. He was greeted by St. Peter, who congratulated him and said he could have anything he wished. The fellow requested something to eat and a telescope so that he could look around. While eating the sandwich provided to him, he peered through the telescope down at the folks in hell and saw that they were feasting on prawns, chicken tikkas, mutton chops, karahi paneer and desserts. "How come people down there are eating gourmet food?" He asked St. Peter. "I earned a place in heaven, but you gave me only a sandwich!" "Well," replied St. Peter apologetically, "it doesn't pay to cook for just two."

Sinking Titanic

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Two miles... Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more. Captain: .....???? Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here? Captain: Downward...

B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

Change of Mind

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Dying Husband

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?" "Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

Playing Safe

A priest was preparing a dying man for his 'long day's journey into night'. Whispering firmly, the priest says, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man says nothing. The priest repeats his order again. Still, the dying man says nothing. The priest asks, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man replies, "Until I know exactly where I'm headed, I don't think it's such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet."

Smart Chauffeur

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him. "Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax." The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?" One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together. "That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."

Friendly Devil

"Welcome to Heaven," St. Peter says to the newly arrived politician. "Before you settle in, you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the people. They play golf and dine on lobster and caviar. The devil is also there, a very friendly guy who laughs and tells jokes. It is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven. 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The politician reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and grins menacingly. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my Friends look miserable." The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"